Ites 7, yes 7, Chatham 1

Sheppey United -v- Chatham Town (SCEFL Prem)

So I had my hotel booked and match ticket for Newcastle away but when the Chatham fixture came along I cancelled, wise move as it proved, shows I’ve got a touch of Doris Stokes about me, although that’s the nearest I’ll ever get to a medium.

So the return of Mr Hake the former Ites manager to the embalming stadium would certainly liven up the plaice and so it proved. The day started strangely when I walked in the pub to be greeted by the skipper, luckily he was injured rather than on the pre match razzle.

The guest DJ professional Northerner Martin Eaves was certainly banging out the tunes as the teams came out on a blisteringly hot day in front of a fairly sparse crowd of 223, Chatham suprised me by not playing in Vests and 3/4 length trousers would present a fair challenge to the Ites which just proves what I know about football.

Remmell and Luke Harvey Oswald were both restored to the starting eleven at the expense of the skipper and Trey, with Jack Mahoney replacing Timmy.

Ites came out of the blocks quicker than a robbers dog, first attack of the game up pops our own professional Northern Dan Bradshaw 1-0, by now the heat was getting to me having worn jeans a jumper and a snorkel Parker and I wondered if Sheppey could maintain this pace. They could and even increased the tempo, LHO who looked very strong all game then opening his Ites account 2-0 with barely ten minutes on the clock, surely we would settle for this, nope 5 minutes later, up pops the Shrewsbury shifter 3-0, the Paddock end were in raptures, well those that were suitably dressed were, I was still trying to prise my manhood off the inside of my leg where it had welded itself in sweat.

Not to be outdone, another great move, Girty threads the ball through the eye of a needle, LHO beats the rather poor offside trap and chips the keeper from the grassy knoll 4-0.

With the score at 4-0 I make the conscious decision to go home and get changed into my bikini, just as I turn round Luke Girt decides to pick his spot ( you know what youngsters are like) and side foot the ball into the bottom corner from the edge of the box 5-0.

5-0 HT

Second half could never quite live up to the first but Bradshaw was sure gong t give it a go, the pantomime villain George supplying the pass, Bradshaw legs it round the keeper slots into the empty net at the DSS end 6-0. By this time the Chatham defence were now bickering like an old married couple despite the fact they clearly hadn’t met each other before the game.

Another flowing move finds Bradshaw on the end of it 7-0, this couldn’t go on surely, it was time to ring the vets and have Chatham put out of their misery, and then came a show of benevolence, Chatham attempted their first attack, the ball fell between Tom Monty and the keeper, neither entirely committed themselves and the Chatham forward sneaked in for the consolation.

Still time after for the Shrewsbury shifter to miss his fourth, resulting in Ernie bringing him off, and Kawesi to pick up an injury but have to carry on due to our subs all being used.

7-1 FT

Despite the fact Bradshaw and LHO will get the plaudits, it was a great team performance, Tom Brunt deserving a mention for his intelligent distribution from right back.

The downside, injuries to LHO, Ralphy and Kawesi could prove costly in an already small squad.

Bank holiday Monday brings an away trip to Whitstable, surely we could carry on this form ?